2018. The era of Donald Trump. America is divided, and the rise of the far-right has unleashed a dark, looming anger. Maybe this tension isn’t entirely new, but the difference is that now, in order to be a witness to these events, one does not need to be physically present: the advent of various social media lends the public the ability to witness hate crimes, police brutality and unwarranted harassment at any time.
In a recent spat over a pair of damaged sandals, the words “I hope you get AIDs,” burst onto my screen. I had visited my best friend in Toronto for Canada Day Weekend, and her boyfriend at the time offered to take us on his sailboat for the holiday. We picked up two of his friends, Elena and Mike, who were a couple. Elena brought a glass bottle of cranberry juice onto the boat, and at one point during the boat ride, the boat swung and the bottle fell and smashed all over the shoes on the floor. One of the pairs of shoes were mine — brand new Yellow Raf Simons sandals — and I was quite upset to see them drowning in red juice and covered in shards of glass. After it happened, Elena didn’t take responsibility and instead treated what happened as an accident, not realizing the danger in bringing a glass bottle onto a sailboat.
After the trip, I debated whether to ask Elena to contribute money towards a new pair of sandals. I feared she might say no but felt it wouldn’t hurt to ask. I wrote her a friendly Facebook message explaining the situation and asking if she would be able to front a fraction of the price. She replied saying that what had happened was no one’s fault. I pushed back, saying that she’s the one who brought the juice to an open and unsecured area, to which she replied, “I hope you get AIDs [sic] — Mike.”
I blocked them immediately after these messages. The pain of their words sent me into a panic. While insults about my sexual orientation aren’t something I frequently hear in New York City, all the homophobia I experienced as a teenager and child echoed in my mind. Since 19, when I started modelling, I started to present more masculine as a result industry and societal pressures, but when I was younger, I presented more flamboyant and effeminate, particularly in the way I dressed. This made me a target to be verbally harassed both in person, often with slurs yelled from cars as I walked, and online. A few years ago, I was once nearly physically assaulted by a man because I was wearing a pink blazer.
Elena and Mike’s message was much harder to receive at this age. I couldn’t believe that a conversation over damaged sandals suddenly turned into a hate crime. Because, while these five words are legal under the First Amendment (according to the police officer I spoke to about the incident), they insult an entire generation of both LGBTQ+ and people who watched millions die of an incurable epidemic. AIDS is still rampant globally, due to the lack of contraception, rape, or other unfortunate extenuating circumstances, and yet this insult was made.
In a recent spat over a pair of damaged sandals, the words “I hope you get AIDs,” burst onto my screen. I had visited my best friend in Toronto for Canada Day Weekend, and her boyfriend at the time offered to take us on his sailboat for the holiday. We picked up two of his friends, Elena and Mike, who were a couple. Elena brought a glass bottle of cranberry juice onto the boat, and at one point during the boat ride, the boat swung and the bottle fell and smashed all over the shoes on the floor. One of the pairs of shoes were mine — brand new Yellow Raf Simons sandals — and I was quite upset to see them drowning in red juice and covered in shards of glass. After it happened, Elena didn’t take responsibility and instead treated what happened as an accident, not realizing the danger in bringing a glass bottle onto a sailboat.
After the trip, I debated whether to ask Elena to contribute money towards a new pair of sandals. I feared she might say no but felt it wouldn’t hurt to ask. I wrote her a friendly Facebook message explaining the situation and asking if she would be able to front a fraction of the price. She replied saying that what had happened was no one’s fault. I pushed back, saying that she’s the one who brought the juice to an open and unsecured area, to which she replied, “I hope you get AIDs [sic] — Mike.”
I blocked them immediately after these messages. The pain of their words sent me into a panic. While insults about my sexual orientation aren’t something I frequently hear in New York City, all the homophobia I experienced as a teenager and child echoed in my mind. Since 19, when I started modelling, I started to present more masculine as a result industry and societal pressures, but when I was younger, I presented more flamboyant and effeminate, particularly in the way I dressed. This made me a target to be verbally harassed both in person, often with slurs yelled from cars as I walked, and online. A few years ago, I was once nearly physically assaulted by a man because I was wearing a pink blazer.
Elena and Mike’s message was much harder to receive at this age. I couldn’t believe that a conversation over damaged sandals suddenly turned into a hate crime. Because, while these five words are legal under the First Amendment (according to the police officer I spoke to about the incident), they insult an entire generation of both LGBTQ+ and people who watched millions die of an incurable epidemic. AIDS is still rampant globally, due to the lack of contraception, rape, or other unfortunate extenuating circumstances, and yet this insult was made.
In the spirit of accountability, I spoke publicly on Facebook about the incident, reached out to Elena’s employer and some of the organizations with which Mike is affiliated. One organization handled the incident responsibly, removing Mike from all public-facing materials. But Elena’s employer chose to stay silent. Her manager told me she would think more about the incident and would eventually make a public statement to appease and comfort all of her LGBTQ staff and customers, who had now seen Facebook posts about the incident. But when I sent a follow up email to her, she threatened that if I did not shut up, she would be, “...compelled to seek legal recourse and remedy.” Instead of making a public statement on the incident, as she had promised me during our phone call, she had decided not only to take zero action against her guilty employee but also to attempt to silence me.
Elena’s manager’s response reminded me why accountability is important. Anyone involved in this who has chosen to stay silent is not benign — they are both complicit and morally complacent. When people are not held accountable, it sends an alarming message to the public: there are no repercussions to your actions or words.
I am upset that so little repercussions arose from something so terrible, and am upset at what the LGBTQ+ community experiences daily from discrimination and harassment. No longer do I want to live in a world where I must build a ‘thick skin’ or ‘brush it off’ — and nor should anyone. Hate crimes are unacceptable and by no means should any person, school, or employer let them slide. We, the LGBTQ+ community, or any minority group, need to live our lives as any other would, unafraid of speaking up when you have been wronged, creating the rights and privileges we haven’t been given. That is the only way to make change happen, and to put a stop to hate.
Elena’s manager’s response reminded me why accountability is important. Anyone involved in this who has chosen to stay silent is not benign — they are both complicit and morally complacent. When people are not held accountable, it sends an alarming message to the public: there are no repercussions to your actions or words.
I am upset that so little repercussions arose from something so terrible, and am upset at what the LGBTQ+ community experiences daily from discrimination and harassment. No longer do I want to live in a world where I must build a ‘thick skin’ or ‘brush it off’ — and nor should anyone. Hate crimes are unacceptable and by no means should any person, school, or employer let them slide. We, the LGBTQ+ community, or any minority group, need to live our lives as any other would, unafraid of speaking up when you have been wronged, creating the rights and privileges we haven’t been given. That is the only way to make change happen, and to put a stop to hate.
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